I'm not okay. I never will be. Everything changed so fast, and I didn't want it to. I couldn't stop crying yesterday after taekwondo.
I had the least energy of everyone, the weakest technique, and my form looks terrible now. My form, Taegeuk Pal-jang, was absolutely awesome when I was at my other school. But now I can't perform it with the same energy and power, the same flow, stopping briefly after each technique and going smoothly from one technique to the next. My yell is quiet. Everyone else yells so much louder. This wasn't the case at my other school. I used to be the loudest, I used to try, I used to be strong, I used to have fighting spirit.
Now . . . it's like when I left my other school, I left behind my fighting spirit. It's like my fighting spirit left me after I said goodbye to my instructor/friend on our last day. It's like when the sun set that day, it took my fighting spirit, my taekwondo spirit, with it. I haven't trained outside of class since that day. And that was the first sign that it was over. Part of me was missing: my taekwondo spirit. And I don't know how to get it back.
People told me it would get better, but it won't. It can't. You don't understand what it's like to have someone as awesome as my instructor teach you taekwondo. You don't understand what it's like to have to say goodbye to someone who's like a brother to you. You don't understand. Don't try to. Whatever you can think of that you think is similar to this, it's not. Nothing hurts as bad as this. Nothing. You don't know how hopeless I feel, how much despair is in my heart. You don't understand.
Yesterday I didn't want to try. I used my knee injury as an excuse for everything, even though it wasn't bothering me hardly at all. I was practicing a kicking combination and I messed up and that did it - I left class and hid in the hallway and cried for a bit. Then I got water and went back to class. But I still didn't try. I didn't give any effort because my taekwondo spirit was gone, and I couldn't stop thinking about how much I miss the way things used to be and how they could never be that way again. I wanted to go back to my old school, but I can't. It's too far away to travel, now that we've moved, just for a class if my instructor/friend isn't going to be there. He was the reason I wanted to still attend that school after we moved. But when he told me he was going back to his old school, I decided to attend a different taekwondo school in the fall. On the last day of summer break we both left. That was the most difficult goodbye one could imagine.
Without him, does taekwondo even have anything left for me? Is there any point in still trying?
My other friend told me to never give up, to keep doing taekwondo always, no matter what taekwondo school I attended. I don't want to disappoint him, and I don't want my instructor to feel like he taught me nothing at all; he taught me valuable things, and I want to remember everything he's ever taught me and not forget it in this dark time . . . but without my taekwondo spirit, I don't have perseverance. I can't keep going.
I like my new school but . . . I don't have my taekwondo spirit left. I'm too depressed to try. There are so many people in my class, but I've never felt more alone. I don't know who to talk to about this. I don't know what to do. If I quit, that will result in only more sadness. But I don't have any taekwondo spirit left. No perseverance. How can I get it back? Is it even possible?
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- Samurai -
Now that we know just who we are
Now that we've finally come this far
I'm ready for one more battle scar
'Cause this is still worth fighting for
- My Darkest Days