Today has been fantastic and everything will be okay as long as I ignore and bottle up my problems until they become too big for one person. When that happens, I'll somehow find extra room because my superpower is self-destruction. I can't ask for or receive help because that means bothering people and making them worry about me and I can't stand that when they have other things to worry about. My friends have less-than-stellar relationships with their parents and I'm the one they turn to. I don't want them to not come to me because they think I have enough on my plate, which puts me in a bit of a paradox; I'm too busy helping people to help myself.
I didn't go to school today because I just felt so anxious and I didn't want to hyperventilate through my day. My parents think I'm faking being sick to get out of a test and honestly them thinking I'm lying to them is easier for me than telling them that I think I have a mental illness. It's easier for them to look at me disapprovingly then try to explain that when my teacher praises me in front of the class, it makes me want to run out of the room because people look at me. I just suffer while my face turns beet red from the five seconds of attention. I can't tell them that I don't want to do marching band because I'm so afraid of failing and the audition process that I would literally sit under a trampoline where they can't reach me than go to a percussion sectional. My parents think I'm lazy and don't put forth effort but it's really because I'm just as afraid of succeeding because that would mean more attention.
I say I don't want attention, but look at me being a hypocrite; telling random people on the internet my deepest insecurities while I make jokes about it and laugh it off with the people who could actually help.
I don't know if this will go through and honestly I don't know if I want it to. I'll probably cringe about it later.