What do ya think?

Thumbnail avatar a1eab4a08a

bulldogmermaid97

Before I give you the first chapter in my story, I just wanted to let you know that Percy Jackson belongs to Rick Riordan so don't excuse me of stealing him from Rick. Also please let me know your ideas and give me feedback. Here we go..... 

1. Today In Class We’ll Be Learning NEVER TO MESS WITH THE WHITE BOARD OF DOOM

The bell whistled signaling the end of school. I moaned……detention. I’m not the kid who wants to get in trouble but has no choice. Wow that’s pretty sad. You’re probably wondering when the good stuff happens. I promise there is awesome sauce coming but I need some explaining to do. I have ADHD and dyslexia. You know what’s coming next…….I am a demigod. Anyway, I’m Ariel Jackson daughter of Poseidon. OMG PERCY’S SISTER!!!! Yes I’m his sister 2 years younger. A prophecy said I was going to be a “trouble child” (I don’t even get why they listen to a prophecy and how they were able to decode a prophecy). My dad didn’t want my mom struggle with me and Percy (even though our parents loved us) so he took me to a friend of his…Bob. Bob is a nice satyr but a little bit fat and lazy. He just sits there at the television and yells about killing creepers and football. I basically have to fend for myself for food, water, and clothes. Bob is nice because he pays the bills even though I never really see him leave the couch. A few years ago Bob was assigned to a group of demigods to protect since, he was lazy he assigned me to the group of demigods and moved me to their school. I made friends with the demigods. Our little group is made up of Gale, Bella, Autumn, Jax, and Kat. Fun facts about my friends other than the fact they’re demigods is that Jax is British and has an accent (even though we all live in New York City and you can imagine how Jax stands out) and Kat and Gale are twins (pretty rare in the demigod world )Anyway, back to detention. My friends and I get detention daily because my friends struggle with ADHD and Dyslexia just like I do. It’s like we have our own group. Watch out the kids with Dyslexia and ADHD they can’t control it. Believe me I’ve tried fidget spinners, stress balls, and slime but it only help me focus only a little bit better. “Ari when will we go home?” asked Autumn. (Oh, and my friends call me Ari)

“Just one more hour,” I replied sadly.

“Ugh!!!!” groaned Bella.

Mrs. Cortez gave Bella a dirty look. “I mean….. Yay!!! Detention is amazing! It’s filled with unicorns and glitter,” Bella said sarcastically.

Bella is pretty much the opposite of girly. She has black and dark purple ombre hair and she seems to wear a choker every day. Take one look at her and you would know she was being sarcastic. She is definitely not into glitter or unicorns. Especially, the pink fluffy ones (Those give Bella the creeps).

“DON’T GIVE ME SASS BELLA”, said Mrs. Cortes (ok maybe she didn’t say that but it’s very close to what she said)

Everything was going great in detention we pretty much stared at each other for entertainment (you might think it’s boring but we host our annual staring competitions). Until Gale got the bright idea to prank Mrs. Cortes, he took all of her sticky notes and covered all of her white board while she was in the bathroom. Gale has some serious pranking skills. He can cover a freaking huge white board in five minutes. Mrs. Cortes loves her white board (You know there’s something is wrong if your teacher if she is in love with a white board). I pretty sure Gale is a Hermes child or he has some incredible skill.

Mrs. Cortes’ face was priceless and terrifying at the same time if it was possible. “WHO DID THIS?!” Yelled Mrs. Cortes immediately after the door slammed behind her.

“Me,” said Gale calmly. Mrs. Cortes made a noise that sounded like growling with a hint of screaming. I was ready to get my sword/eraser out. My brother’s sword is a ballpoint pen and mine is an eraser (why are so many swords office supply). All I have to do is move my “eraser” in the air like sword (which it is) and voila a sword for battle. Mrs. Cortes spread out her arms and my friends watched in horror her arms turned into wings.

  • Posted at:

Please tell us why you'd like to report this post

Call meh Jade, Annabeth, Jax, or Unicorn. Don't care which one you use :p

Thumbnail avatar a1eab4a08a

bulldogmermaid97

Can anybody give me some feedback on what to work on?

  • Posted at:

Please tell us why you'd like to report this post

Call meh Jade, Annabeth, Jax, or Unicorn. Don't care which one you use :p

Thumbnail avatar 2703a8422f

teallynx171

It's ok but it's kinda Mary-Sue like to have a daughter of Posieden who's Percy's sister also you should probably work on some grammar

  • Posted at:

Please tell us why you'd like to report this post

 

Kitsune

 

Bisexual

 

Official fan girl of

 

 

Spirit animal

 

Harry potter

 

Percy jackson

 

wings of fire

 

Hunger games

 

Star Wars

 

Steven Universe

 

#Love iLove

 

 

Thumbnail avatar d1f4b8db1e

beastlybookish9

Awesome! I never expected this!

  • Posted at:

Please tell us why you'd like to report this post

Isabel Koffmann-The Paranoid Nerdy Babysitter

Thumbnail avatar 671217a0a3

horsedragon1273

It's decent, but some advice that I have is to not tell your readers everything at once, like you tell us who the main character is right off the bat, what she is, and what she has, when you could have waited a bit before revealing these facts. Also, the beginning is a bit rambly.

 

So, pretty much, don't say everything at once, and instead just let the readers infer some things until later.

  • Posted at:

Please tell us why you'd like to report this post

>ɮᘿl<

There never waֆ a ǝɔoɥɔ

 

Why so silent, good Messieurs?

Did you think that I had left you for good?

 

One day I was walking and I found this big log

 

...Yes, I'm hiding in a crate. Tickets are expensive.

 

DCI.

7-8-14||S.O.S.||Knock

Thumbnail avatar a1eab4a08a

bulldogmermaid97

Alright I took your advice everybody and I have edited and changed the first chapter. I want you to predict who's Ariana's(I changed Ari's name and Greek parent) Greek parent is. If you want you can predict any of Ari's friends (their Greek Parents) mentioned in the NEW CHAPTER ONE which are Bella, Autumn, and Gale.I'm still open to feedback. Here's my NEW CHAPTER!!!(Sorry it's short)

1. Today In Class We'll Be Learning NEVER TO MESS WITH THE WHITE BOARD OF DOOM
The bell whistled signaling the end of school. I moaned……detention. ADHD and Dyslexia freaking sucks but hey it’s not my fault I get vague so easily.
“Ari when will we go home?” asked Autumn.
“Just one more hour,” I replied sadly.
“Ugh!!!!” groaned Bella.
Mrs. Cortez gave Bella a dirty look. “I mean….. Yay!!! Detention is amazing! It’s filled with unicorns and glitter,” Bella said sarcastically.
Bella is pretty much the opposite of girly. She has black and dark purple ombre hair and she seems to wear a choker every day. Take one look at her and you would know she was being sarcastic.
“DON’T GIVE ME SASS BELLA”, said Mrs. Cortes (ok maybe she didn't say that but it’s very close to what she said) Wow, I can be absent-minded.
Everything was going great in detention we pretty much stared at each other for entertainment (you might think it’s boring but we host our annual staring competitions). Until Gale got the bright idea to prank Mrs. Cortes, he took all of her sticky notes and covered all of her white board while she was in the bathroom. Gale has some serious pranking skills. He can cover a massive white board less than five minutes. Mrs. Cortes loves her white board and I had a feeling in my gut that Mrs. Cortes was going to murder Gale. I'm pretty sure Gale has an incredible expertise.
Mrs. Cortes’ face was priceless and terrifying at the same time if it was possible. “WHO DID THIS?!” Yelled Mrs. Cortes immediately after the door slammed behind her.
“Me,” said Gale calmly. Mrs. Cortes made a noise that sounded like growling with a hint of screaming. I realized what was happening but I was too late. Mrs. Cortes transformed into her true form…. a hideous harpy.

 

 

  • Posted at:

Please tell us why you'd like to report this post

Call meh Jade, Annabeth, Jax, or Unicorn. Don't care which one you use :p

Thumbnail avatar 7e99905417

tornadowave90

You keep saying everybody's names and the same words over and over again. You might want to replace the names of characters with things like "he", "she", and "they". You may also want to work on how they speak and and how the story is given.

  • Posted at:

Please tell us why you'd like to report this post

  ♪♪  ꧁《tσrnαdσ》꧂♪♪

      

  ☆We have a reputation of failure to uphold!☆

   ☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

  Why are you still reading this...? Scroll down!

   INTJ

  Tornado's Inactivity? Band. Hotel? Trivago.

   NOTHING EVER LASTS FOREVER.

Thumbnail avatar a1eab4a08a

bulldogmermaid97

I get the name thing Tornado but how the story is "given" seems very vague and there's barely any dialog  in the chapter can you be more specific?

  • Posted at:

Please tell us why you'd like to report this post

Call meh Jade, Annabeth, Jax, or Unicorn. Don't care which one you use :p