Rysun (Yang Shan),
I sincerely hope that I don't annoy you with these long reviews of mine because they are the result of me putting everything I think of on here.
(So, Xi Ye's intro is currently 8 pages and still going, not finished. :P)
By the way, Xi Ye's intro I used first person, if that's alright with you?
And you didn't write the spoiler in white ink xD. Even though I already knew. (Sorry -_-)
I think if you tell us how Maddox will fit into the plot we can consider putting him in, though we would also need to plan a bunch of other stuff too. :P
For Conor's Intro, I edited some things:
The sky was cloudy with flashes of sunlight scattered across the sky, as if they were small boats among the vast oceans of Erdas. Or it would be a quilt, with gray & the occassional, small yellow pieces of cloth. Or at least that was how Conor pictured it to be like.
Conor clutched the Shepherd's Crook tightly; no, it wasn’t just a Shepherd's Crook, but the Bond Token he and Briggan shared. He felt how it combined he and Briggan’s memories, giving him seemingly unlimited descriptive words and phrases.
He paced on the deck, before he heard Essix’s shrill cry and Rollan’s shriek at the exact same time as they plumented towards the deck of the ship. Did something go wrong with their bond token...?
Essix of course made a graceful and coordinated landing, but as for Rollan, not so much. Conor, who expected a couple broken bones and many groans, and as a boy with a soft heart, immediately covered his eyes, cringing.
He heard immediate, loud, and sudden footsteps, a loud “Aaahh”, and then a sigh. He opened his eyes, and he was shocked.
It appeared that Meilin had rushed to Rollan and caught him. “Hey, it should be the other way around!” the other boy laughed. Meilin, who was frustrated with his carelessness, dropped him with a thud on the hard wooden deck. “Ow,” he said, rubbing the back of his head.
“What happened?” asked Abeke, who had just arrived on the scene, offering him a hand.
“I-I-I,” Rollan stammered, “You know the vessel Zhong has sent us holding all of the minor Oathbound commanders, like Horen the Forgiving and Brinkin the Gentle? It just turned around and is heading back to Zhong. Essix and I tried to get closer and this man-- and he looked just like Barlow on our first quest-- he saw me and he ordered archers to shoot at us and we were chased away. I won't shoot at birds ever again, even if they're spying for the enemy. I know how it feels now.”
“Wait a minute,” Meilin interrupted, ignoring his joke. “You said the man looked like Barlow from our quest for the Granite Ram?”
“Yes,” replied Rollan firmly.
“It’s Horen,” gasped Abeke.
Please tell me what you think about the revision. Anyhow, should I submit the draft of my character intro? I feel like I would get banned for spamming :P :/.
And anyways, in my character intro I put the place where the Oathbound will get judged as Greenhaven, because that is where the Oathbound were originally going to judge the Greencloaks in the prior series. Is that alright?
I'll basically summarize what I have in my introduction so far:
Xi Ye has been having a lot of bad dreams lately, and this time we (as readers) are introduced to it. Some of his background is put out, and then someone interrupts this by knocking on the door. (By the way, Xi Ye is the commander of the Ying He Army, which is like a Zhongenese army, but without the command of the government, so he is almost completely in charge in spite of some other generals and advisors.) The sun isn't up yet, and there's this general who comes in wanting to talk to him about some "urgent news". It's basically that the Oathbound are almost going to on trial soon, and the general says all the advisers recommend invading Greenhaven as soon as possible.
The rest I'm not gonna spoil, but anything could change. Sorry for being mysterious :D.
Tell me what you think! :DDD
Oh, and I forgot to tell you that Horen and Brinken need an intro so we know who they are. xD