Going on hiatus again. I’ve never been able to truly leave this place, but we don’t know when the last goodbye will be, do we?
Whether this is a more permanent leave or I might come back some day, it stands that I need a break. I’m a disaster right now – everything I say makes people worry about me or hate me, and a lot of my friends are worried about me, and I think my instructor is fed up with me at this point because of everything. Maybe he’s not. I don’t know.
. . . he’s probably not.
But I know he hates it when I get all depressed and disappear inside myself. He shouldn’t have to put up with me, and I really need to be a better friend.
Until I fix this . . . I can’t be here. After training with my friends, I feel fine. That’s the only thing I look forward to anymore, and it makes me feel a lot better. But then I come here, and that “okay-ness” is destroyed.
I don't know what I want to do about taekwondo anymore. Training with my friends, as I mentioned, is great. But beyond that, I'm really unhappy there, and I can barely keep it together for one class anymore. Just . . . the realization that I can never be an instructor, that I'll never make it to the Olympics . . . it's crushing, frankly, and that's not even half of it. I feel hated, unwanted, and rejected, and I don't fit in. I could go on and on about this, but I won't.
It's not as simple as "just quit". I'm afraid of gaining weight and outside of this, I don't exercise. There's that and I also feel like I have to continue; part of me doesn't want to give up. Hm. I thought all my fighting spirit was gone.
This is a goodbye post. Let's get to the point.
Some "last wishes", if you will:
1. Don't let anyone take the name Samurai.
2. I do not permit anyone to use my writing in anything.
3. I do not permit anyone to use my characters in anything.
4. Try to keep this place alive for me, okay?
I'll miss you guys.
Arl – Thanks for being my friend.
Foggy – Stay strong for me. I'm one to talk, right, but it does get better. You will heal; it just takes strength. And you can be strong - I know you can. Believe in yourself. :)
Key – Thanks for caring and trying to help me; it helps to know I don't have to go through this alone. I'll miss you.
Eternity – Stay spiffy, frond. -leans on cane- And remember, grasshoppa, eat your spinach! >8( In all seriousness, thanks for everything. You might still see me elsewhere, but in the event that you don't, know that you made a difference. It's true that I'm far from being okay, but talking to you always helps. Thank you.
Ocean – All the OC stuff was fun. -sprays Tarik with paint- Thanks for making me smile. I'll miss you a lot, friend.
Happeh – You can DM me on Discord, although I don’t check it very often. I'll try, though. o_o Thanks for being my friend.
Talon – I doubt you’re reading this, since we don’t know each other that well, but hang in there. Freshman year is tough, but you’ll be all right. Don’t be so hard on yourself (says the hypocrite) – it’s not about what you look like. It’s about who you are, who you choose to be. Remember that.
Galaxian – I might still be on the wiki sometimes (I check it out of habit), but I’m gonna need you to hold down the fort for me. If you need help with something, I should be able to get back to you, but you know a lot more about coding and such than I do, so you should be fine.
I'm not sure how to wrap this up - my mind just went blank. Am I supposed to put an uplifting quote here or something? I would, if I knew any . . .
Hopefully I'll get better . . . but I'll be honest, right now I don't see a way to fix this.
. . . I feel like I need to say something . . .
. . . I'll miss you guys, but I already said that . . .
. . .
Signing off for the last time,
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- Lahash -
Also known as Samurai
Est. January 2014
Author of the Path of Legends series - coming 2020!
"Fear not in this Time of Chaos, this War of Darkness. For on the horizon, there shines a light, a light brighter than any before . . ."