I've been doing a bit of research on anxiety disorders because I've noticed that I've begun to exhibit symptoms of them. For a long time, my parents thought I had OCD because I'd injured my nose and couldn't stop picking at it for months, to the point where, if I'd continued any longer, I'd have probably permanently damaged my nose. This was because i was using unsafe tactics to clear the skin on my nose, though I'd never tell anybody that. The skin began to peel, the chemicals burned my face, and it hurt to touch for weeks. I do a lot of things that are apparently symptoms of anxiety. I fidget, often picking at my hair until I bleed, biting my nails until it's physically painful to continue further, and bite my lip until it bleeds. I pull out hairs on my eyebrows and shake my leg subconsciously all the time.
This is probably learned behavior though.
I cannot speak to older people or people of a higher rank than me. It makes me feel nervous and, if I'm even the slightest bit in trouble, I'll cry. I know - wimpy. I need to work on it, but I don't know how.
I cannot send texts, cannot interact with people I know digitally. In the real world, it's different. My friends or people around me like my personality - for the time being at least. They're getting tired of me, but for now, I'm okay acting less... rigid? I guess? But sending texts, complimenting people in real life and online, and just interacting with people in real time make me nervous. It's why i don't text, why i hate calling, why I don't take pictures of myself. I panic and freeze and squirm if I need to send a text. The other day, a friend asked me to comment something nice under her picture. Problem is, I can't. I don't know how to, it scares me, I hate it. So I asked her to do instead. Cowardly, I'm aware.
I cannot date somebody, I refuse to. I cannot maintain proper relationships - it would never work out. I don't know how to be an active person in a relationship, and I cannot do anything normal couples do. Hugging, kissing, holding hands... I wouldn't be able to do it. The thought of it terrifies me. It's pathetic.
Going to social events terrifies me. I had a breakdown in the car on Halloween because I thought I looked like an idiot walking into school. When I was late for a tour around the new highschool, I broke down and didn't go. For photo day, I almost missed it, but I got forced out of the car. I hate walking into class late, but I'm always late. See my problem? Forcing myself to open the door is a problem in itself.
Can't start conversations. Nope. Not a chance. My mind goes blank.
Often, I'll slur my words in conversations. I don't know if that's a stress thing, but it's like I can't pronounce anything anymore.
I don't get people - I don't understand them. I don't understand how people compliment others, how people get close, how they know exactly what to say, how they know how to be a good friend, how they can comfort people, how they talk and act and feel. I don't understand, and I don't think I ever will. no amount of youtube videos will teach me to be genuine with people.
I blurt out stupid things - a girl asked to use my phone and I flat-out told her no. Bad move Now everybody thinks I'm hiding bad stuff - i'm not. But I hate giving up my phone. Kids took it the other day and changed my alarm to three AM, but the thing that terrified me the most was the fact that they had access to my phone. Did they look at those disgusting 'selfies' I took? Did they hear my horrid singing videos from weeks ago? Did they laugh at my stories saved on my phone? Did they? I'll never know.
I think most kids experience this... while i do think something's wrong, it's not enough to seek help. It's just little things, after all. Little things that may be improved if I watch videos. Still, its hard. It's hard not knowing what to say, how to respond appropriately, how to be enthusiastic when you really don't feel much of anything towards a specific subject. Is that what people do? Do they just react with enthusiasm? How do people feel genuine love and affection towards a person? I mean, I like people. And it's difficult now that I look back on situations because I'm not sure how I'm feeling.
So, yeah. I'm probably being melodramatic. I'm tired, stressed, and frustrated. And a bit sad, since I've noticed that people have gotten bored of me - as per usual. I don't think I've ever really felt like i was a part of a social circle. I'm normally just floating around, orbiting around a circle of friends. People don't like me, and that's okay. I don't think I would want to be friends with me either - I'm too... detached from it all. Yeah. that's a better word. I'm too detached - even my reflection is difficult to comprehend.
I'm tired, I'm really sorry for this post. It'll be a miracle if it goes through.
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"I'm not the one who's lost with no direction, but you'll never see."Thanks for the memories, everyone. I'll miss you all.