First off, I would like to say that while I do not practice a martial art of any kind, I think I kind of know what you're feeling. (If this is wrong, disregard this, please)
So a few years ago, there was this girl in my class who happened to be a fantastic drawer. People gushed over her work, the school constantly hung it up on display, and she even won an award for it and got an article written about her in the local newspaper.
Meanwhile, I was just sort of standing on the sidelines. I didn't feel like drawing anymore, even though I've wanted to draw and become an artist since I was five. I just couldn't stop thinking about how this girl was the one to get all the compliments and the encouragement and all while I was placed to the side, as if what I was doing wasn't just as good as what she was doing.
I was jealous, and the jealousy consumed me.
It's like a slow-spreading poison if you don't make an effort to stop it, and that leads to stuff like lashing out at others. The thing is, jealousy is something that comes from us, as in, our own selves. It comes from out bitterness, our sense of worthlessness, our being not good enough and of having no value...
So we compare ourselves. We look at our rivals and we see every little thing they do worse than us, then we wonder, Why isn't it me? We get jealous.
Do you remember when you first started taekwondo? I think I do, because every single post you made was about how AMAZING it was and how GREAT it was to practice. I remember how passionate you were, so much that I think at one point, you said that you wouldn't post here for a while because you wanted to spend more time training. You were happy.
Then (I can't recall if this is right) you posted a thread one day about how you had to go to a new dojang, with a new instructor and new people, and you were upset. There are more posts that seem bitter, angry, depressed, or aggravated whenever taekwondo is mentioned.
I don't think it's that you've lost your passion. I think you still love taekwondo for what it is: a difficult but incredible and exhilarating form of martial arts.
However, I think that your passion for it has become muted by anger and jealousy.
It's like how I never lost my love for drawing, even as I saw the people crowding around her. Even when I saw the principal personally congratulating her on her work. Even as I watched the adults interviewing her and taking her picture for the local newspaper.
Why didn't I lose it? I could have, and I think that I WOULD have lost it, if I had continued doing things the way I did. I thought so many horrible thoughts about her. I didn't want her to be good at what she was doing, because I thought that I was better.
Samurai, I don't know what it was that happened between you and this girl, but whatever it is, I think that maybe you should stop focusing on forgiving her, and focus on forgiving yourself first. Forgive yourself because you've been through a lot, and dealing with jealousy is not easy. Forgive yourself so you can reclaim the passion and love you had for taekwondo when you first started. Focus on how GREAT it feels to be DOING it, and not on how other people worship this girl.
I don't know if this helped, or if I'm even right about how you feel. (Please disregard this post if it's wrong)
Still, I know that I've continued drawing, and that I haven't stopped yet. I've even come to appreciate my former rival's artwork.
Sent at 12:31